Horoscopes

Capricorn (22 December-20 January): Are you paying too much for your car insurance? Well, Mr McVeigh, you brought it on yourself.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February): In the wise words of Cate Blanchett, “there’s a lot of anti-Semitism, and it’s not just against the Jewish”.

Pisces (20 February-20 March): This is a time when your family needs you more than ever; you’ve got the only key to the basement, and they’re running out of oxygen.

Aries (21 March-20 April): You need to engage your brain before you open your mouth; that’s how the nervous system works.

Taurus (21 April-21 May): Put a positive spin on things when writing a CV: your rape conviction shows ‘persistence’ and ‘determination’ - be sure to mention that you had to dig her up first.

Gemini (22 May-21 June): Expect bad luck this month, as Mars has just passed into your house, and is about to sleep with your wife.

Cancer (22 June-22 July): You can look forward to some good reminiscing this year

Leo (23 July-22 August): This week, you’ll want to be in control, but really it’s much easier to empty the cash register and hope the nasty man with a gun goes away.

Virgo (23 August-21 September): You always regret the things you didn’t do more than those you did. Just yesterday, Albert Speer told me he wishes he’d done more waterskiing.

Libra (22 September-22 October): This week’s theme: ok computer. Next week’s: maybe, fax machine. The week after: no, dictophone, I’m not ready for that kind of relationship.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November): This week you’ll suffer impaired judgement, and you can quote me on that in a court of law.