Horoscopes

Capricorn (22 December-20 January): Don’t be afraid to show your true
feelings, unless they involve ritualistic debasement of strangers.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February): Your friends must be punished for
being involved in corruption: a little light spanking should do the
trick.

Pisces (20 February-20 March): If you’re holding a party, either
invite Karl Woodgett or Rodney King, but definitely not both.

Aries (21 March-20 April): In the wise words of Nietzsche, “distrust
all in whom the impulse to punish is strong...”

Taurus (21 April-21 May): This week’s theme: Beat It. Next Week’s:
Baby Got Back. The week after: Community Service Order.

Gemini (22 May-21 June): This week’s new moon brings passion into your
life, and takes your stereo in exchange.

Cancer (22 June-22 July): This week, your insect impression will go
down a little too well; you’ll be stamped to death. The same thing
will happen with your Jim Davidson impression.

Leo (23 July-22 August): This week you’ll be lucky in love wherever
you go, so avoid farms.

Virgo (23 August-21 September): “The early bird catches the worm” is
not a suitable excuse for premature ejaculation, as in that context it
makes literally no sense.

Libra (22 September-22 October): Are you having money troubles? How
could I possibly have known unless I am a genuine psychic? Has anyone
reading recently lost someone called Dave, Tom, Joe or Dan? He says
hi.

Scorpio (23 October-21 November): Don’t let the little things in life
bother you: remember, the Sex Offenders’ Register is only a piece of
paper.