Horoscopes

Capricorn (22 December-20 January): Your Bath Half time was
unbelievable: you finished two weeks before the race. Next time, be a little subtler with your cheating.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February): In the wise words of Dwight Eisenhower, “The world is more like it is now than it ever has been before”

Pisces (20 February-20 March): It’s easier to seek forgiveness than to
ask permission, but easier still to deny it ever happened: just ask Radovan Karadžić.

Aries (21 March-20 April): If you can’t see the appeal of autoerotic
asphyxiation, try pretending you’re Rod Liddle. Now it makes sense...

Taurus (21 April-21 May): Don’t be afraid to experiment, but putting
butternut squash anywhere other than your mouth is asking for trouble.

Gemini (22 May-21 June): Lighten up, learn to laugh at yourself. Then
learn to give yourself a wedgie and flush your head down the toilet.

Cancer (22 June-22 July): Your prison sentence will give you time to
think about the importance of dialling correctly before initiating ‘phone sex’. To be fair, the kid could have let you know sometime before the 143rd call.

Leo (23 July-22 August): This week, make spontaneous your middle name: at least it’s better than ‘Mr Incest’.

Virgo (23 August-21 September): If you’re struggling with a task, try
breaking it into smaller parts, and then giving them all to someone
else.

Libra (22 September-22 October): Have you noticed how no one picks fights with haemophiliac AIDS victims. Curious...

Scorpio (23 October-21 November): This week’s theme: using food in sex. Next week’s: fungal infection.

Sagittarius (22 November- 21 December): whatever doesn’t kill me can only make me more hubristic.